Ever had the insatiable desire to maintain a relationship that drives you halfway insane? Well, buckle up, buttercup! This so-called guide will take you on a wild ride through the absurdity of keeping a man interested until the end of time.

1. Shower Him with Endless Praise and False Gratitude

Let’s start with the basics: worship the ground he walks on. Every minuscule thing he does? It deserves a medal. He picked up a sock? Nobel Prize. Just don’t miss an opportunity to shower him with compliments, even if he does the bare minimum. Laugh at his jokes, even the ones that are less funny than a soggy piece of toast.

2. Be a Goddamn Goddess of Confidence and Independence

Next up, become the embodiment of confidence. Seriously, turn those zero-self-esteem vibes into bold, unstoppable force. But it’s a trap; don’t spend too much time with him. Have your own wild hobbies and glamorous friends. You see, the less available you are, the more he’ll chase! Call off dates now and then – scarcity, baby! Make him desire what he can’t have.

3. Be His Partner, Martyr, and Jester

Men adore women who act as both support system and entertainment. Listen to his dull problems without a hint of judgment. Insist on paying your own way – even to the point of absurdity. Or heck, buy him game tickets to appease his sport-watching urges. It’s all about giving and giving until you drop.

4. Avoid Clinginess Like the Plague

For god’s sake, let the man breathe. If he wants to trudge off to gallivant with his friends, let him. Do not tag along unless explicitly summoned. Trust us, if you smother him, he’ll slip right through your grasp faster than a bar of soap. Get your own life and stick to it like superglue.

5. Seduce Him with the Subtlety of a Brick

Being spontaneous means keeping him on his toes, right? Set up ludicrously romantic dates out of the blue. Hold onto hugs like you’re glued together, leave those unforgettable neck kisses when he least expects, and make even sweet goodbyes memorable. But remember, no pole dancing unless you’re a pro. Do what makes you comfy.

6. Master the Art of Intelligent Babble

Flirting is all fun, but no one loves a beautiful empty vase. Have deep, meaningful conversations about careers, life goals, and the mysteries of the universe. Just don’t make him feel dumb, alright? It’s a delicate balance – shine without outshining.

7. Be Miss Congeniality with His Female Friends

Jealousy? Toss it out the window. When he’s having a good laugh with a female friend, let it slide. Heck, tell him you think she’s stunning too. Confidence is key, my dear. Forge friendships with his female colleagues – kill them with kindness.

8. Navigate Fights Like a Zen Master

Arguments are inevitable. So, when the volcano of irritation erupts, handle it with the calmness of a monk. Initiate discussions with positivity. Do everything to avoid a shouting match – no one enjoys a raucous banshee. Be the serene, gentle force that he can’t resist.

Follow this masterfully irritating guide, and you’ll have him hanging around for a lifetime… or until you’re ready to snap.